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I note from the bad excuse for morning papers that ICBC is installing new cameras at intersections so they can take our pictures and fine us if we’re naughty. A paltry $23 million of our premiums will go towards this admirable effort to save us from ourselves.

My first reaction was “how do they get the authority of a policeman” but realized they must have it somewhere and, besides, I think it’s marvelous. I also hear that the police want to do spot road tests for drinking drivers. Sort of like shooting hostages – stop a bunch of traffic and select victims at random. Both of these government moves will be pooh-poohed by civil libertarians who will insist that our privacy is being invaded by the cameras and that police are only supposed to test where they have “reasonable and probable grounds” before they do.

These are out of date liberties like the right to assemble and free speech – who needs them? What the hell, if you’ve done nothing wrong why do you care who takes your picture or what they do with it?

You cannot go into a store without being on camera and more and more this applies to streets. I say it should be extended so that every bar has one where Big Brother can count your drinks. Never mind that your drinks were non alcoholic – if you’re in a bar the law will suppose you’re there to get pissed so no cheeky back talk. In case you change bars, the new pictures in the new bar will be matched up with the first one.

The country is, thank God, transforming its wicked ways that have permeated society since the sexy sixties. It’s been found that couples should have sexual intercourse 3.2 times per week and a camera will be installed in your bedroom – indeed every other room in the house for that matter – so that you (and everyone else) will be able to ensure you’re keeping within statistical norms. It’s also been determined that sex not intended for pregnancies is bad for the nation since we’re simply not reproducing ourselves in appropriate quantities, especially in, largely, Catholic Quebec. Thus any sex not leading directly to the possibility of pregnancy will be recorded and, if abuse is considered excessive, steps will be taken. Who can argue with this after a president of the United States confirmed that a “blow job” isn’t sex. In order to make things a bit easier for those who must record these things, the missionary method is preferred and your cooperation would be much appreciated.

Too many trees are being used by society and it’s been determined that four squares of toilet paper is sufficient so a camera will be installed to keep track. On the objections of some it was decided that if one gets a note from the doctor the number of squares can be increased to six.

As mentioned above, it’s been considered that the principle that the police must have “reasonable and probable” grounds to invade privacy is long out of date. There is far too much suspected law breaking going on that the police simply can’t root out if tiresome old rules of behaviour are insisted upon. It will therefore be quite permissible for the police to do random “strip checks” in the war to stamp out naughtiness and as “Bullneck Bob”, our friendly police chief observes, “if you’ve nothing to hide, what are you concerned about?” “My right to privacy” is not considered and appropriate answer.

British Columbians are urged to take pride in the fact that our zest for obeying the law has been led by our own Insurance Corporation of British Columbia which, as we’ve become aware from their ads over the years, is the perfect place for fair judgments.

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